Bonus Came!!!!

We got Paul's bonus today. It was a total suprise that it came today. We were expecting it to come on the 28th.

I'm looking at the bank account right now and something doesn't add up. According to the bank account the bonus was deposited in the account on the 20th... It doesn't make sense. I just asked Paul and he says he didn't know. Oh well... I just feel like he held out on me though. He says he gets emails when deposits are made into the account... so why didn't he get an email on the 20th when the bonus was deposited? And if he did... why didn't he tell me? I'm not saying he lied to me, but it just doesn't add up.

Anyways, I ordered my laptop today. So this time next week I'll be writing my blog on my new Dell Laptop!!! YAY!!!!

I also ordered flowers, vases, tulle, etc. online today.

I ordered 50 white Gerbera Dasies, 20 pink jumbo Gerbera Daisies, 20 4" lavendar Gerbera Daisies, 5 Gerbera Daisy lavendar boquets, 5 mixed daisy/orchid salmon/cream boquets, and 5 24" onion grass from afloral.com for $118 including shipping.

From save-on-crafts.com I ordered 50 yards of 54" wide white glimmer tulle, 5 clear cylinder 9" vases, 5 clear bulging cylinder 7 3/4" vases, 5 bags of 24 glass heart vase gems, 10 bags of 40 clear glass vase gems, and 6 4" styrofoam balls for $144 including shipping.

I also ordered our cake topper today. It's cute.

All of this stuff is going to Momma's house.

We also ordered my plane tickets today. I fly out Monday, April 17th at like 10:30 a.m. and arrive in Little Rock at 1:30 p.m. I have an hour layover in Chicago.

Tomorrow I'm going to JC Penny's to get Paul some new pants. And then I'm going to stop at Michael's to get stuff to make the favors and ribbons. Although maybe I should wait until I get a 40% off coupon.... Yea, I should wait until Monday to get all that.

I finished my wedding rose petal thingys... they turned out really nice. I have 75 all together. 25 raspberry, 25 orchid, and 25 mixed. They're pretty. I'm proud of myself.

Today it Jen's 18th birthday. We went out to dinner at Logan's. It was good. I had chicken. She got her TV... she seems to like it. She knew what it was though.

I feel like crying right now, and I'm not sure why. I just feel so guilty for spending money, and I feel like Paul held out on me about the bonus (but in my heart I know he didn't, it was just an oversight). I always feel guilty when I spend money, because Paul makes me feel that way. Anytime I buy something he's like "geez". I could see his face drop everytime I told him how much something was for the wedding. But I'm doing the best I can. I feel like I've gotten VERY good deals on everything I've bought for the wedding... I just feel sad right now, depressed kinda. I don't know why. I should be happy. I've accomplished alot of wedding stuff, ordered my laptop, and got my plane tickets. I should be happy, but instead I feel bad and depressed about spending money. As Paul always says "We have to get a house first".... I know we have to get a house, but I also want a nice wedding. And we're saving 10's of thousands of dollars on ALOT of stuff. I've opted for silk flowers instead of real (there's atleast 2 grand saved). We're not hiring a photographer (another 5-6 grand saved). We're not hiring a caterer (another 2-3 grand). We're not renting a hall for the reception (another grand). My grandma is doing our cake. We're getting all the tables and chairs for free... etc... the savings go on and on... But Paul still makes me feel bad. I don't know what to do. I want to be excited and proud of myself for saving money, but Paul doesn't seem to look at it that way... anytime I'm spending money he doesn't like it.... I love him so much though... and can't wait to marry him!!!!

I would like to get me some clothes tomorrow too, but I'm afraid Paul will get upset. I was thinking about going to Macomb Mall and getting some stuff from "rave"... but like I said, I'm afraid Paul will get upset, and I don't want him to get upset with me....

I don't know what to do.....