I'm sure it's hormones....

I'm not doing so well today!!! I'm sure it's just hormones, but still...

I hate being at home all day long with nothing to do. I feel like such a disgusting blob. I just sit on the couch all day and do nothing but surf the net. It's horrible. I am so bored and feel terrible about it all the time. I feel like I do nothing.

I slept till 1 today!!! Why not, I have nothing better to do today. I've started staying up really late again... I didn't go to bed until after 2 a.m. And then didn't sleep that well... I woke up every hour, and had very weird dreams...

I just don't get it!!! Why don't I have anything to do? I feel like I should have a ton of things to do, I mean we do have a baby on the way, but I don't. Paul's always telling me we don't have money, so I can't go buy stuff for the baby to prepare the room.

He's telling me now that I shouldn't buy baby stuff on the 15th. I've been looking foward to this for 3 weeks!!! It's a chance to get me out of the house! I get to go to Babies R Us and actually DO something. I have all these great coupons that expire on Dec 16th. I have two $5.00 off Pampers coupons... two $2.00 off pampers wipes coupons... and four 15% off coupons. We have the money for our trip to AR. I am just looking foward to getting out of the house!!!

I'm getting really frustrated right now. I wanted to get online at the bank account and just see how much money we have right now... and I can't fucking sign on. Paul has all these security questions set up and the one it keeps giving me is "What's your favorite teacher" I know the answer, but obviously I'm spelling it wrong or something because it's not letting me in. And now I'm getting even more upset. Okay I finally got it.

We have $86 to get us till Friday. I'm just so mad that I can't work. And I feel like I'm not contributing anything to the house. If I was working then we'd have the money... It's so stupid that I can't work. I mean, I really don't want to work, but I want the extra money. I was bringing in pretty good money when I was working... and now nothing...

That's how I feel.... Nothing... I feel like a big nothing right now. There's nothing I can do to help, there's nothing I can do period. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I just don't know what to do with myself.

I'm feeling so sad about not taking Pebbles to AR with us. I'm going to be away from her for 12 days. What if she runs away from Beth and Mike (like she's been doing lately with me)? Or what if she pees in Beths house? Beth is such a neat freak, I would feel terrible if that happened. And I just have a feeling that it will. Pebbles hasn't been holding it all night lately. And at our house she goes in our bathroom and pees on the puppy pad... She can't do that at Beths house. Pebbles will be in their bedroom with them at night, and they don't have an attached bathroom. And what if they have a lot of company (which I know they will for New Years atleast). Pebbles doesn't like loud noises or a lot of people. And what about while they are gone? What about Pebbles then? We haven't been crating her lately... she hasn't been crated in a long time. Beth is probably going to want to crate her. I hope she doesn't cause I don't want her crated for 7 hours. I'm just so worried about her...

But we really can't take her with us. She'll be in the hotel room by herself sometimes (granted for just short periods of time, but still). What if while we are gone the cleaning people come by? And she runs out the door? I can not have Pebbles locked in the garage at Aunt Capris house either. It's way to cold for that, and Pebbles has never been locked away from us when we are there. It's not fair to do that to her.

I know leaving her at Beth's is the best thing, it's just tearing me apart.

I just want this week to go by fast. I was Friday to be here, so I can do some shopping... SOMETHING!!!

Next week will be pretty busy. I have to get the oil changed in the Pacifica and the 16 point check up for the car trip. I wanna get Pebbles groomed. Clean the house from top to bottom before we leave. Shop for snacks. Make sure Mister is okay (another thing I worry about). Pack everything up...

Why can't I find something to do today?!!? I looked online for some mom groups in the area. I found one for pregnant women and inquired about that. Hopefully I'll hear something back soon. I also looked in to water aerobics close by, and there's nothing. There is a rec center in Macomb (not far at all) but of course there's a fee... I don't know what the fee is though. Maybe I'll go there one day this week and check it out. I don't know......

I just feel like nothing... and big blob of nothing. I just feel like crying all day today....

Maybe I'll get dressed and take Pebbles for a walk. I still have to go ask our neighbor if she'll watch Mister while we are gone. Guess I should do that today. It'll give me something to do...

Another thing, I have to buy a new bra... Which I feel guilty about because that's me spending money again...

I just keep feeling like if we didn't go to AR we'd have like $1000 to spend on the baby... But we have to go to AR to see my family. I haven't been there is so long. And I really want to go... but it's getting harder and harder to deal with... I keep feeling guilty for wanting to go. I don't want to waste money, and I feel like we could spend that money on baby stuff... We could get sooo much baby stuff with that money.

I get so mad at Paul for being such a dumb ass with his money for all those years, and having so much debt.... It's stressing me so much... And it affects me so much. He thinks it doesn't because I don't pay the bills... But when I can't do anything all day, and have to sit at home because I don't even have gas money to go to the library or something, it affects me... Pisses me off is what it does. I get so mad at him for that.

I just want to get like 5,000 credit cards and go nuts one day... But I can't even do that since I don't really have credit... Hell we didn't even get approved for a fucking Babies R Us card... Now that one pissed me off...

We should have never gotten the basment finished... I knew it wasn't a good idea at the time, but Paul really wanted to, so I went with him... It was such a bad idea... We would have an extra 300 bucks a month, and I wouldn't have a $29,000 loan on my credit report... PISSES ME OFF!!!

I just don't know what else to say. I am so done today.... Just sad and feel like nothing... I'm useless and there's no point to my life at this moment. I just want to have something to do. Somewhere to go. People to see and hang out with... I don't have any of that. It's so frustrating.

I am going to Sallys tonight for Yoga... I am so looking foward to that. I haven't really been out of the house since Friday. And that was for grocery shopping....

I just feel like crying. I sit here an feel sorry for myself... when in reality I don't have anything to feel bad about.

My dreams are coming true. I'm married to an amazing man and we are expecting a baby!!! It's everything I've always wanted. It's a dream come true. We have an amazing house, amazing pets, and amazing love....

Okay the UPS guy just came and brought my Kohls package... That's the highlight of my day so far!!! And it's just granny panties!!! And a baby outfit. But still... So sad....

Well, I'm gonna wash my new panties and take Pebbles for a walk. Go to the neighbors house and talk to her about watching Mister while we are gone....

I just need to get out of the house and feel better... It's crazy!!!

I do love Paul! And I do love my life. I wouldn't change anything for all the money in the world...

xoxoxox

Mandy