TRUST!!

In class tonight I learned that I trust Paul. All my life I've had trust issues with men, thinking that they would leave eventually. My father left when I was 3 and has never been interested in my life. And then I had my step-dad. He was in my life for 13 years and then suddenly (and I do mean suddenly) left one day and has never spoken to me since. So naturally I would believe that Paul would leave eventually, but I have overcome that, and believe that I can trust him and feel safe and vulnerable around him and he won't take advantage of it. I think this is an amazing thing to have in someone. I think he is the only person that I completely trust. I also believe that the reason it took us so long to set a wedding date (4 years) was because Paul knew subconsiously that I didn't trust him. And that I subcounsioulsy wouldn't marry someone I didn't trust; although I didn't realize this problem until today. And now that I have complete trust in Paul I am ready to get married.

I also believe that we choose our parents. We choose the situation that we are born into so we can learn something from them or that situation. I feel like I learned that I deserve better then my mother has had in her life. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!!! I have also learned from my parents that you can trust certain people. It's a shame that I had to learn this by not being trusted and not trusting the men in my life, but I learned that I can trust. I am thankful for that. I can trust myself, and I can trust Paul. This is a very freeing day for me. And I love it!!

Anyways, on a lighter note... I cleaned today. Lol.. as usual. I also did alot of reading today. I am now 229 pages into my book. Only 184 pages left to do. I will definitly have it all read by tomorrow.

I also made my alterations appointment today. FINALLY!! It's for Thursday, Februaury 2, 2006.

My mother called and gave me Aunt Judy's address today so I can send her a wedding invitation when we mail them out in a few weeks. That'll be nice to see her. The last time I saw her I was about 13ish.

I also told my mom to send me a picture of me when I was about 5 years old. It's for next weeks homework. We have to look into our child's eye's and see what we need or want. It should be interesting. I'm looking foward to it.

I feel like I am bettering myself everyday and am loving it. I know Paul is enjoying it too because I am not so controling or uptight anymore. He doesn't have to be afraid to come home from work anymore. I'm not so unpredictable anymore. And I love that he feels more comfortable around me now. I hate that I put him through so much crap when we first got together, but I have also learned alot from what I did when we first got together... So again, it was a learning experience. Paul was put in my life to teach me how to better myself. And to teach me that I deserve to better myself for ME not for someone else. So for that, I thank you Paul... I love you with all my heart!!!