I'm such a failure
Let me count thee ways....
I couldn't give birth to my son. I wasn't even given the chance to push him out, they went in and sucked him right out of me. I was made to feel that I wasn't able to push him out in a timely manner and therefore somehow failed my son. Stupid, stupid doctors.
I wasn't able to protect him in the hospital. They took him off to the side and deep suctioned him, put gunk in his eyes, and gave him a vita K shot... all of which were against my will. I wasn't able to protect him and failed him once again... That's twice I failed him in 15 minutes... 15 minutes! My son was 15 minutes old and already I had failed him.
I can't breastfeed. This is a failure all of it's own. I have failed my son so many ways in this category. Not only can I not breastfeed, I barely even tried. I gave up before I was able to completely fail because I was afraid of failing... yea, that makes a ton of sense. I tried in the hospital, I really did, but when it didn't work I resigned to pumping for the next year. I gave up when we came home, I didn't know how to do it or who to turn to. Well, that's not entirely true; I've had people offer to help me and my son learn to breastfed but I have yet to take them up on that offer because what if I fail again?
I can't take care of my son by myself at night. Paul always has to get up and help me. That drives me absolutely insane. I am a mother, I should be able to do this alone. I'm the one that wanted kids and I begged and pleaded with Paul telling him that I could do it, and now I can't. I get snippy with him at night when he gets up because it just reinforces that I can't do it myself. Paul ALWAYS has to get up, I wish he would just stay in bed, but then I get mad that he isn't helping. It's a catch 22, no matter what that poor man does I get angry with him. I can't warm up a bottle and take care of a crying baby at the same time... and I can't leave Coop in his crib to cry while I warm up the bottle.
I'm going back to bed... this sucks....
Monday, September 01, 2008
I'm a failure
Posted by Natural Momi at 3:34 AM
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2 comments:
You ARE a wonderful mommy! You are a success! I know that doesn't help how you feel, but that is the way I see it. You are wonderful!!
XOXO
You are NOT a bad mommy! Don't let yourself think that! Being a mother is HARD work. Who cares about the way he came out...he's here and that's all that matters! Count yourself lucky that you don't have a ugly, huge scar reminding you that you couldn't birth him! haha! (I blame M for that one though, she's the one that lodged her head down there all wrong! lol!) And obviously the vitamin k had no effect on him since he is a healthy baby boy! Pick your battles. :-) Oh and I wanted to comment on your well baby check up, but I'll just do it here...we weren't going to go to visits either since we aren't vaxing, but apparentlty our insurance requires us to. At her 3 month she was 26 inches and weighed 13 lbs 9 ozs...holy moly!!!! And the bulky cloth diapers don't help! You can give her a squeeze at the next BN meeting! :-)
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